I had a request on my blog to elaborate on the idea of “Mom, not baby, decides.” I wrote this post and it has been very well received. This is another principle of Babywise that will greatly help you if you can understand it.

In an email Anne Marie Ezzo sent to me a few months ago, she mentioned the idea of “mom, not baby, decides” and pointed out that is true for all parenting philosophies. The mom (or parent or caregiver) is always deciding when the nap will end or start. The philosophies really differ in cues followed and whether or not a schedule is enforced. The mom who gets baby as soon as she makes a peep is deciding when to get the baby up, she has just decided to follow that cue. The mom who lets her newborn sleep 4 straight hours during the daytime, not wanting to wake a sleeping baby, has decided the nap won’t end until baby wakes himself up. Mom always decides.

Sure. But what does that phrase mean in the context of Babywise? Well, it means much of the same. But be sure YOU decide and not let the CLOCK decide. I think parents who follow a schedule can easily fall into the trap of becoming slaves to the clock. Always keep in mind that Babywise is Parent Directed Feeding, not clock directed.

This parent directed idea can and should be applied to all ages of your child. YOU decide whether or not your toddler can have some candy, not the presence or absence of a TANTRUM. Getting this “you” deciding practice down early will make future struggles easier for you.

I can understand parents, especially first time parents, wanting some sort of outline and case-by-case scenario that tells them “if X, then Y.” Yes, that would make parenting easier. It would be more like raising a tree than a human. Now, the steps to raising a tree do vary by the species of the tree as well as your climate, but at that point you can get pretty solid advice on what to do if X happens to your tree. You can tell a problem you see with your tree, ask your neighbor who has lived there for the last 50 years and he can tell you pretty definitely what to do to fix the problem. He doesn’t need to know much more.

Children have environmental factors, just like trees. But they have so much more. They have personalities and tendencies. They have desires and yearnings. And most difficult for the parent, they have agency. They can choose how to act and react! This is a great gift, though many times we wish we could strip our children of their agency. When you add to the mix the parents, things get even more complicated. Parents have personalities and tendencies. They have desires and yearnings. They have agency. Then they have a schema of the world. A parent has been affected by his life experiences: childhood, friendships, schooling, successes, failures, etc.

You can easily see why there can be no “If X, then Y” equation for your children. A book couldn’t possibly be long enough to cover it all. My posts on this blog alone cover over 300 single spaced, typed pages so far. Then you have the hundreds of pages of questions/answers. All of that is in addition to what is already written in the Babywise books.

This is why “Mom, not baby, decides…” is such a valuable concept for mom. Mom is smart. Yes, you make mistakes. Yes, you have to learn things, and sometimes the hard way, but you are still smart. You can take in all of the factors. You combine these variables and analyze them. You then work to problem solve.

Let’s say baby usually goes down for a nap at 9:30 AM. But then baby starts showing her usual sleep cues at 9:15. What do you do? If you were the “if X then Y” mom, you would for sure keep her up until 9:30. If baby really needed to go down at 9:15, then baby would wake up early from the nap and you would be left looking for the next “Y” to solve the current “X.” But this “X” could have been avoided. For the PDF mom, she thinks. Did baby wake up early this morning? Did baby have a rough night? Is baby teething or sick? Did baby go to bed early last night? Did baby miss a nap yesterday? Or simply, was that really the sleep cue? You decide to put her down right away. She sleeps her normal nap length, though she does wake up 15 minutes earlier than usual since she went down early. No big deal. That is better than an hour and 15 minutes earlier.

So mom decides. Mom looks at the variables and decides what to do. She isn’t governed by outside forces, but rather cues, knowledge, and experience. Does that mean mom is perfect and gets it right every time? No. We all make mistakes. We misjudge. We then chalk that up to our experience list and move forward.

“Mom, not baby, decides” works well because mom is better able to analyze the situation than baby. Mom has more experience and more intelligence. Mom can see the big picture. Mom has better goals in mind. Toddler doesn’t get candy because eating a full, nutritious dinner is important to the health and happiness of Toddler, and dinner is 30 minutes away. Candy can be considered after dinner, perhaps as dessert. Newborn Baby wants to go right to sleep after eating, but mom knows having some waketime will actually help him to nap better and longer. That will ensure he stays on his feeding schedule better. So mom works and works to keep newborn baby up for some playtime. It is exhausting for mom and baby, but mom looks past the moment and toward higher goals in the future. Mom doesn’t give in to the tantrum because she knows that will make future tantrums better. She also knows child needs to learn to experience disappointments. Child needs to know that a fit isn’t going to get him what he wants. She knows that giving in to the fit now will only make future behavior worse, not only tantrums.

So keep deciding. Of course as your child grows, he earns freedoms. But that is you decided if and when to allow freedoms. It is you watching the use of those freedoms and making sure he really can handle the privilege and opportunity.

We all had those dreams about what kind of parents we were going to be when we had children. I say, “had those dreams,” past tense, because those dreams usually begin to fade as the reality of parenthood takes over. We were going to be calm, loving, compassionate, full of wisdom, never utter a careless or unkind word, and certainly never be in a hurry. Most of us also had dreams about what kind of children we would have: sweet, well mannered, intelligent, obedient, cheerful, never selfish, or rude, or LOUD, or messy.

When we had our first child, I was 29 and my husband was 40. I must admit I thought this parenting business was going to be a breeze. After all, I was no youngster by now, and having grown up in a large family of 5 girls I had plenty of experience with younger siblings; my husband, Tom and I both had college degrees, and we just knew that we were well equipped to handle whatever challenges parenting might bring.

The Lord has many ways to teach us humility, and I believe that parenting is one of His favorites. Within five years, we had three small children, and in retrospect, I can honestly say that I did just about everything wrong those first five years. My husband had a better grasp on the situation than I did, but I was unable (or unwilling) to see his wisdom at that time, and I seldom took his advice or followed his recommendations. Because we did not agree on just about anything that had to do with the children, the kids capitalized on our lack of unity, and things went from bad to worse. Chaos reigned, and we had whiny, demanding, self-centered, “high-maintenance” children to show for it. Dinner was seldom on the table at a reasonable hour, bedtimes were sporadic, and children’s videos and preschool provided my only moments of respite from our demanding children.

I tell you all of this to let you know that creating a peaceful home did not come naturally to me. Some people are naturally structured. I had to learn the hard way. As the three children and my many other responsibilities got harder and harder to manage, I began to sink into depression. At that time the realization finally hit me that I wasn’t just “playing mother,” I WAS a mother! The hard reality was that for good or for ill, these three little eternal souls were going to be shaped by the example set by me and by their father, and that I HAD to do a better job than I was doing of managing my home and my children.

As I began to cry out for help, the Lord provided several tools to help us begin to get our family under control. One of these was an a Growing Kids God’s Way course, which began to bring unity to our marriage, and helped us to see the importance of training our children’s hearts to obedience. Another tool was this idea of structure and routine. After a few short months of putting these principles into practice, the difference in our home was nothing short of miraculous. There was a peace, a sense of order, and yes, a joy that I would not have believed possible a short time before.

Visit Tom and Evangeline Reed’s web site a Ezzotruth.com.

You’ve picked up Preschoolwise for your 3-year-old’s tantrums, Childwise for the back-talk from your 9-year-old, and Preteenwise for your 12-year-old’s moodiness. Have you noticed that there seems to be a common thread with many of these issues? While the books may help by providing some age specific solutions, the list below may prove helpful in working on the ‘root’ of the problem. Ask yourself, ‘is there a…..

1. Lack of oneness in the marriage relationship: disharmony; lack of communication with one another; lack of respect; not being in agreement with each other on instructions to child, training of the child, or discipline of the child; allowing the child to play one parent against the other; no ‘couch time’ or other vehicle demonstrating the priority of your relationship in the home; etc.

2. Lack of structure and routine: nothing is predictable–meal times, bed times, structured learning times, play times, time for chores or other age-related responsibilities, etc.

3. Too many verbal and physical freedoms and too many choices: arguing, complaining, whining, talking back would be examples of verbal freedoms; physical freedoms would involve doing things without asking, child telling you what she will or will not do, kicking, hitting, etc. Too many choices for the child’s age for example, a preschooler having to have a choice on what or when she will eat, what she will wear, where she will sit (the “wise in your own eyes” scenario from the videos).

4. Lack of consistency: As Dad & Mom do we ’say what they mean and mean what they say’ to our children? Do we carry through when we promise her something, thus building trust? Is there a good measure of encouragement when she does do something right? Encouragement is a HUGE part of security as well as motivation for a child. Is there faithfulness in teaching and training as well as discipline and correction?

5. Lack of prayer and trusting God: Do we pray together as a family; pray with the child about the behavior issues; cry out to God for His help when we don’t know what to do, rather than becoming angry and taking matters into our own hands; Ps 50:15 says,” Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor Me.” James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” John 15:5 ends by declaring “without Me, you can do nothing.” God wants us to be fully dependent on Him for the training of our children. Another thing that enters into this root cause is the lack of seeking forgiveness and restoration in the relationship after correction.

6. Selfishness: This enters into all of the other root causes, but is demonstrated in our wanting OUR way, or OUR time, etc. Faithfulness in parenting involves giving of ourselves (sacrifice) even in times when we
don’t feel like it. Phil 2:3-4 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” There are times when the child’s best interest must be put ahead of our own desires or comfort and that is not ‘child-centered’, rather it is considering the need for training our child’s heart over what we wanted to do at the moment.

These are some things to consider and pray about as you seek Him for resolution to the relationship with, and training of your children. While these causes are not exhaustive–I am sure you can add to them–they are examples.

Edited from notes by Dianne Doty, wife, mom and grandmother.

Mondays are normally our “get back to the routine” day, but this Monday I was feeling especially sanguine and let the day just be fun. Why? you say after all the discussion of the merit of routine would I do this? Because this Monday was my birthday, everyone else was working, and I was feeling especially old because I’m turning 33- Why does 33 seem old to me?

When I was 10 yrs old I told my entire 3rd grade class how my Mom was too old to be having a baby at 33.

Here I am at 33 with a two year old! Funny how it all comes around.

It all started with breakfast in bed (thanks Daddy!). Isabelle thought this was very cool, then outside to watch the garbage truck which turned into playing with the hose as we washed the recycle bins and garbage can together, this was also very fun because we were still in pj’s and got soaked!

Isabelle asked to play in the backyard (in just her diaper now) to which I replied, “for just a few moments” and she said, “Mommy, get the bell.” I am telling you those kitchen timers are like magic to toddlers!

Once clean and dressed, off to Target and then to Chic-Fil-A, my favorite fast food, but I rarely indulge in as of late. In our local Chic-Fil-A the indoor play area is just a tad too big for Isabelle. She can get in but getting out…the last time I ventured to Chic-Fil-A due to invitation from a Mom friend I almost had a chlosterphobic attack inside the tube slide as 5 older children all slid on top of me as I guarded my sweet baby and eased her out.

So we ate and she begged to go play…I explained the rules that if she goes up she must get out by herself, as I reflected back and broke into a sweat. She agreed and was off. Moments later an older little girl obviously noticing my anxiety over the situation informed me that there were “mean boys” inside. I politely asked her to go up and check on Isabelle, she agreed ….but was easily distracted and gone before making good on the deal.

It was one of those “why did I think this was a good idea” moments. I searched the holes but no sign of her. I paced and thought about going in-you need to know I am 5′8″ and wear at least Large size clothes. This was not something I wanted to do. I rationalized I would hear crying if she were upset.

I prayed, and what I thought to be the “mean boys” came out and back through a few times. Finally I called up the tube slide “Isabelle”, and there it was, the reminder of why I have a routine and do training, the most beautiful 3 little sing song words.

“Yes Mommy coming” (Praise you God!)

Next I saw her cute little shoes scooting down the slide slowly but surely, next her ballerina skirt (its my birthday so I dress her extra cute) and finally her smiling face. Of course tons of Mommy praise followed!

You see we’ve been working on this for some time now, but today was the first public and prompt response I’ve received. And it was right before naptime!

We left Chic-Fil-A with no debate but a little talk of coming again (at least another 3 months from now!) Off to a long nap for her and I set out to clean out my garage and spray it with the pressure washer because choleric Connie simply had had enough of all this and needed to get something done. The pollen has been driving me crazy.

Tonite when I was cuddling and talking with Isabelle she told me “I had good day” - I had to agree
Happy Birthday to Me!

The principles found in Preparation for Parenting and On Becoming Babywise have been educating parents for two decades on the importance of nighttime sleep and how to obtain it with infants. A TIME.com article highlights researchers from Harvard and other institutions who have recently published articles in the Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine addressing the importance of nighttime sleep in children.

The researchers quoted in this article recommend allowing a child to “cry it out” and suggest that parents avoid co-sleeping from the start. The over all focus of this article speaks more to the longer term affects of nighttime sleep. The Time article highlights some problems in older children associated with inadequate nighttime sleep like night terrors, anxiety, depression, and obesity. In response to some of these problems Dr. Elsie Taveras from Harvard says, “There’s room for prevention even in the first month of life.”

The overall theme of the research referenced in the TIME article should be very familiar for those who have read Preparation for Parenting and/or Babywise. In my first reading of Preparation for Parenting I breezed right past the Healthy Sleep Patterns section of chapter three. It was easy as a young parent to get caught up in the immediate benefits of healthy nighttime sleep experienced though PDF (Parent-directed Feeding). Right under my nose was research referenced by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo in Preparation for Parenting linking poor nighttime sleep with emotional, behavioral and learning problems. It is comforting to know that there are longer term benefits to the sleep skills that we have taught our children at a young age.

Near the conclusion of the TIME article you’ll find the following quote:

“The most important message is that there’s a lot we can do to prevent problems from starting — in sleep,” says Taveras. “Parents and pediatricians should keep in mind that children have to develop the capacity to regulate their own sleep early in life and self-soothe themselves during the night.”

This quote should offer some encouragement if you are still “working on” those healthy sleep habits with your little one.